The Amanda Quick Show

A Story of Resilience: Carol's Battle with Pain and Pursuit of Self-Growth

December 02, 2023 Amanda Quick
The Amanda Quick Show
A Story of Resilience: Carol's Battle with Pain and Pursuit of Self-Growth
The Amanda Quick Show
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Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Join me as we tread the complex path of physical and emotional struggles with our brave guest, Carol Sky. Carol breaks down her barriers and shares her personal encounter with persistent physical pain, shedding light on how it has disrupted her lifestyle and self-perception. We walk through the labyrinth of her challenges, from the stiffness that hinders her physical activities, to reproductive complications that have deterred her from forming new relationships. This fascinating conversation reveals the tug of war within Carol - a side yearning to move ahead and the side held back by pain and fear.

Venturing deeper, we uncover the intricate ties between physical discomfort and emotional upheaval, and their influence on our power and creation centers. Carol opens up about her life amid discord and its toll on her wellbeing. Together, we unravel the significance of authenticity, and the repercussions of suppressing our emotions fearing their impact on others. We discuss the liberating power of movement, a potent tool to release pent-up emotions and energy, creating a balanced life. 

In the quest for self-safety and trust, we scrutinize the impressions of childhood experiences on our adult understanding of safety. Carol and I examine the paradox of finding safety in chaos and familiar patterns, and how these unknowingly mold our lives. We stress the importance of self-trust, a key to create safety, rather than leaning on external factors. As we wrap up, we touch upon the financial struggles of millennials, the guilt that stems from severing toxic family ties, and the dire need for self-love. Join us on this journey as we switch lenses to view personal growth, the power of owning our inner compass and overcoming life's hurdles.

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Speaker 1:

All right, everyone, welcome back to the Amanda Quick Show. I'm your host, amanda Quick. Today we have a new guest on this show. I shared a little bit about trying to work out bringing guests on the show to share their experiences, their journey, what they were going through and how that didn't work out so well the first time, but we're giving it another go. We've got a new person, new things to share, new struggles, new things going on in her system, and I would like to introduce Carol Skye. Thank you for joining us, carol.

Speaker 2:

Hi, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to jam on this podcast with you.

Speaker 1:

Awesome, Awesome. Carol was one of the first people to raise her hand and say, yes, I would love to. That sounds like so much fun, so I am really excited to give this a go. So why don't you just talk a little bit about what's been going on in your life and what you know? What are your current challenges?

Speaker 2:

So I would say that an ongoing challenge that I haven't been able to figure out quite yet is the right side of my body, the physical stiffness and stuckness that's happening right from the base of my ear all the way down to my right ankle and it hits every joint point along the way. So my ankle, my knee, my hip, my shoulder up to the up to the even the lymph is not draining correctly on the right hand side and the other one that really grinds my gears. That like I really thought I've done all the clearing work but like obviously I'm missing something is my body is presenting with fibroid pain and there is definitely some irregularities and just general not not ideal health in my, in my reproductive organs. So those are like the biggest things that are plaguing me where I haven't been able to track and clear things on my own. I definitely I'm missing something.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, okay. So pain obviously that's causing. Is it impacting movement? Is it making it harder to do things?

Speaker 2:

Yes, it does. So the pain in the uterus definitely affects when I were any of my workout stuff. All of this actually is related to not being able to work out the level that I want to. When I do anything with upper body, there's a lot of clicking in the shoulder and it's just not lining up correctly so that I'm not able to target the muscles the way that I need to to build them and then, just walking like a long distances, my knees are to get really tight and it's irritating and again like I'm just not able to push myself to the level that I want to achieve these athletic goals because it's like well, this is clunky and that's clunky and this is stiff.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, no, I totally, I totally feel you. What else does it impact in your life, like? What other challenges does it bring beyond not being able to work out?

Speaker 2:

Well, it's also really affecting my like, not willingness to be seen, because I don't feel like I'm at my best and not willing to put myself out there in terms of meeting new people, like including romantic relationships and all of that Cause it's just like man. I feel like I got a lot of baggage, that I don't really know what I want someone else to deal with, like I'd like to deal with it on my own first, before I start something new.

Speaker 1:

Right Now. That makes sense, and it's not super comfortable to meet somebody and be like hey, I'm, I got a pile of stuff going on over here, right, okay. So, um, being seen, I feel like you know, I've known you now for a couple of years and this is something we worked on a couple of years ago. Um, I believe it was mostly showing up as acne for you.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

Uh, that's coming to mind, and so this has been a theme for you in different ways, and the way that it presents itself, and what part of you. You're willing to be seen in the world, right, and your face doesn't look. It looks much more clear right now than it did back then, so we've moved some. That's right.

Speaker 2:

But I am wearing makeup. Um, there is a little bit that still occurs on the cheekbones and on the chin, but I've noticed, I've I've just been playing around with probiotics, like different probiotics for my digestive health, and that has made a huge difference as well.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so we're needing to support more of the whole body systems in order to, you know, put your best face forward, so to speak, and to share with the world your, your beautiful, radiant, glowing self. And so your face feels safe in a sense. But then the rest of you are like, okay, let's just, let's just focus right here. I don't look at, I don't like my body, I don't like how I'm moving, I don't like how I'm feeling.

Speaker 1:

And so there's some part of you that's it's almost like this incongruency. You know this, this physical piece and then the spiritual piece that you know is connected, and that's like half of you is like, no, we're going to push hard, and the other half of you say, no, we're not, sorry, it's not happening. Literally, it feels like you're almost cut in half, like that's all. That's almost how it feels, because if it's on one whole side and the other side is different, there's this, this incongruency, where you, you're like one part of you is trying to come forward with the other part of you is trying to no, stay stuck, don't look. And one part of you says, let's, yes, we can be seen, we can move, and the other part says no, no, no again.

Speaker 1:

And so I'm curious when I talk about that, what? What are you afraid of? Like what are you not surface level afraid of? Like what are you actually afraid of Somebody were to see you in your mess, somebody were to see you're not as fit as you want to be. You're, you know not as whatever, whatever stories you're telling yourself about what that is, what are you actually afraid of?

Speaker 2:

Hmm, probably a lot in like my past, god, this current life, not past past life, but this past life experience, um. But I think the underlying theme of it is like the shame of my own behaviors and how I've reacted to others, but also maybe not quite being willing yet to share how heavy that story has been out of the, I guess, respect for the people involved, because they don't necessarily love the fact that I'm vocal to their face, so why would they respect the fact that I'm vocal publicly? But I still think it's important to speak about those situations and I don't need to use names for that right Like. But I have. I feel like I've really been through hell and I've internalized a lot of my emotions, um, but the biggest one is coming up is like there is some pretty deeply embedded shame with that.

Speaker 1:

And it's fascinating. That's where you went, because literally that's been the theme of what I've been talking about in the show for the last couple of weeks. So, love the universe, thank you very much. And what the listeners don't know is it was quite the hoopla to actually get this thing starting to be recorded. So there was a lot of are we really going to look at this or not? So here we go.

Speaker 2:

No kidding.

Speaker 1:

Um, shame has been loud, really, really, really loud in the collective and what's coming up in the people who have been doing the work or thinking they're doing the work, but they have been maybe not willing to look at this deep, this deep layer.

Speaker 1:

Because what I find fascinating about shame is it's not really just fear, it's not like predator, come get me, I got to hide. It's really this deep seated rejection from the collective. Because if we were in a vacuum, if we were in a vacuum without any people around us, we wouldn't feel shame because there would be no judgment, there would be no perspective to be projected onto us of what's right and what is wrong, there would be nobody to think that we hurt or we impacted, and so we would not feel shame, we would just be. But we would also be isolated and alone. And so our desire to fit into the society in some fashion, with the set of ideals that have been placed in the programming of right versus wrong, and what makes a good person and a bad person, and what's allowed and what's not allowed, and what's acceptable to share, what's acceptable to experience, what's all of these things creates this concept of shame. Because I know for me like my shame shows up when I think about the people that my choices impacted.

Speaker 2:

Bingo Right when.

Speaker 1:

I realized the pain I caused not knowing what I didn't know but I should have, because I hold myself to very high standards and so I'm hold shame and regret and guilt for doing the best that I could with the information I had, not knowing all of it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, there's that.

Speaker 1:

And I find when we do that, we bury it because we don't want to see ourselves as the predator. In a sense, we don't want to see ourselves as capable of harming somebody else. We don't want to be that. That's not comfortable energy to sit in. And yet the truth is we all have hurt somebody, unintentionally or intentionally. We've all made choices that have impacted people one direction or another. We all exist inside a collective tapestry, which means any movement is going to be impactful one way or another, and it's really a matter of choosing who you desire to be within that tapestry.

Speaker 2:

I'm just thinking about the parts of me that have enjoyed being the bad guy in some people's story. A hundred flippin percent. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I absolutely know. In my ex-husband's version of my story, I am absolutely the villain here. I took the kids away, I did this and I will wear that as a badge of honor, because from my perspective.

Speaker 1:

I created safety, and so I'm okay to be the bad guy, but I had.

Speaker 1:

In order to be okay to be his bad guy, I have to stand in my truce.

Speaker 1:

I have to know who I am and what I chose and why, and be willing to do it again.

Speaker 1:

I have to make the shame of that something that I can be immensely grateful for, because what I've discovered is I've unraveled some of these things, and the whole conversation we've been having about shame over the last couple of weeks has been about finding the gift in it, because the shame is actually trying to cover up a big old pot of gold. It actually is where the juicy stuff is, and it's not that everybody needs to go be loud and start a show and write a book and do all of that. It's not that everybody needs to do my version of how I did this, but my shame has created so much for me because I was willing to look at it, and I think that everybody's version of that, whatever that is, whether that's old relationships or jobs or whatever the things are there's huge amounts of gifts that you could actually start to use in your life in whatever way you choose to do so, and it's about deciding who you want to be and then looking at the shame with that lens.

Speaker 2:

That one needs to sink in a little further. But I get what you're saying. But I need to like end time with it Laughing at myself a little bit, because the biggest quote, unquote, shameful part of my body is my belly and that's where I carry my weight and I'm embarrassed because of me carrying the weight there. But what is it hiding?

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

What's underneath that? And then also to develop a fibroid in the uterus. That was excruciatingly painful for almost two years and it still pings me during my monthly cycle, but it's not to the point where it was before. But I still would like to know like what's the next layer that has to come off so that it can be healed completely?

Speaker 1:

on all layers A uterus is our creation center, it's our incubator, right From an energetic standpoint and a physical standpoint. That's where we literally incubate our creations. That's where we hold possibility in what we might be doing and choosing. And if that incubation of what you might decide to birth into the world is causing pain and shame, you're going to avoid ever actually allowing anybody to see it. And your stomach, that's your power center. That's where you're like this is who I am, stands, I stand proud and strong comes from. That's where you literally hold all parts of you together. That's your pelvic floor and your stomach, and everything is where all of that resides.

Speaker 2:

So there's an interesting thing happening, because I do feel powerful, I do feel like I take some ownership of it, but maybe not enough. Maybe it's not the right way, maybe it's more of the toxic way, because why would I want to have protection around my power center? Why do I need to feel protected? Why do I need to feel protected? Why do I not feel safe when I stand in my power? There you go. That's the key.

Speaker 1:

There it is, yeah, yeah, you don't feel safe unless you've got a bunch of gates holding it. And you can only look at it through this layer of something that I've built, I've created. I'm built a lens for you to see my power through.

Speaker 2:

But then it gets distorted Exactly.

Speaker 1:

And you're never actually allowing yourself to be seen in your true self.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, they get the distorted version instead of the true self.

Speaker 1:

And then they read it through their own lens of distortion and you just you, know you're never going anywhere.

Speaker 2:

That's no boss.

Speaker 1:

Right, right, but it's not a focus on, you know, their perspective of it. But if we're so afraid of impacting other people or hurting them, or doing what others did to us by sharing, maybe, something that they don't want shared, even anonymously, or speaking about something that we've experienced that would support somebody else, if we're so afraid of that, we're going to continue to hold it deep within ourselves and those emotions especially for, you know, those of us sitting in a really emotional place and our emotional bodies is going to create pain because it's trying to move and you know it needs to move.

Speaker 2:

Building up the gates around it. No, you don't go anywhere. You're going to stay here because I the devil. I know Exactly.

Speaker 1:

And there's this disconnect from both sides of you, because there's one side that knows, yes, we have to move it, and the other side is, no, we don't. Don't, look, I'm going to make it stiff, I'm going to make it hard, I'm going to make it impossible. Nope, we're not doing that.

Speaker 1:

So, my question for your body, your energy field, is what's going to take? What's it going to take to start to bridge these together? What does that look like? What is there an experience? Is there a movement? Is there something that you need that's going to bridge those two energies?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm getting. So first of all, the response was well, no one's asked me that before, so that was a good first step. But then also like listening to my intuition on how I want to move my body. So somatic is flashing, but not necessarily a prescribed somatic practice, but just actually letting myself intuitively move how I want to move, and it doesn't always have to be heavy weights or high cardio. It can be a walk in the park, it can be yoga in my basement floor or just like those micro movements with belly dancing which I've done in the past. So like give me a variety.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so your body wants variety because likely it's also trying to move a variety of emotions and experiences out of the system. Let's go. Each energy and experience is going to want to be moved in a different way.

Speaker 2:

That makes so much sense.

Speaker 1:

Anger might need the heavy weight lifting stuff.

Speaker 2:

Yes, that's just was my download of like. Each emotion needs a different type of like. I'm already creating a chart in my head.

Speaker 1:

Right, right and sadness and shame and betrayal all of that creates something else.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that one's asking to just be held.

Speaker 1:

And allow it to move, actually experience the emotion through the movement. Emotions are energy in motion. That's literally what they are. They require movement to come out and your focus has been physical, so that you look a certain way instead of movement, so that you can move the energy that's been stuck stopping your progression and whatever the next step is.

Speaker 2:

I'm hearing loud and clear that it's more about feeling a certain way than it is about looking a certain way.

Speaker 1:

It absolutely is, because there are some very beautiful, very confident, very sexy women that are larger than the teeny, tiny models.

Speaker 2:

And I'm okay with any size or all size that I end up with, but I feel like I don't have the flexibility because I haven't been in flexible situations and this has been going on wow, the ping is yeah the last seven years, and the turning point of that was having to move back into a family home that was not supportive and it is as supportive as it can be. It's that. Here's what you have. I've got a roof over my head.

Speaker 2:

I'm grateful for that and I'm grateful for a lot of things within this home, but there's also a lot of chaos that comes with it as well, and I'm past my point with the chaos part and I've made that very clear to all members involved. So it's actually interesting. I've been doing a lot of unwinding energetically with my family ties, just so that it's no longer those expectations, those projections, those judgments, because as much as they hold those against me, I'm also doing that against them and none of that is serving any one of us and our healing. And a lot of us are struggling in this family line A lot of us and I get that. I was the person that had to be here to do the clearing, but I haven't been doing it in the clearing. I've just been doing that, getting it off of me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

You've been holding a big mayor.

Speaker 1:

Don't look at me, don't touch me. I'm gonna hold my boundary.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, instead of actually just collapsing it, because none of us need to carry this. The point of my position in this family was to clear it, not just to abandon it, and I just got that download earlier today, actually.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and the way at least in my experience, the way that we do that is to model a new way, isn't to throw it back in their face, just to say yep, I internalized this, I did this and now I'm doing something different, and I'm not gonna say that this is a right or wrong thing to do. This is what's working for me, and you model a new way as an invitation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Without the judgment, Without the? Why are you still sitting in your shit? Because that's the same reflection we get right back.

Speaker 2:

There's a lot of judgments that are gonna have to be burned down. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

It's a lot of it. I know, especially those of us who've been on this spiritual journey and on this healing journey, last three years became almost an ideal of what society should look like or what people should be doing, or why are we all still sitting in our shit, creating this on repetition, with a huge amount of judgment for those not choosing to come out of that path?

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

We're putting ourselves on this, this hierarchical pedestal of better than all, while looking at the world of why do you all think you're better than pot kettle? Right, I'm seeing that and going ew, that was me too, and I was projecting my beliefs onto other people, just as they were doing the same and judging me.

Speaker 2:

Guilty as charged as well.

Speaker 1:

And to me, the only way we actually make change is to stop repelling the judgments and to hold loving space for people to make the decisions when the time is right for them.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, those were words that I needed to hear on multiple layers yeah, so thank you for that.

Speaker 1:

People choosing illness, people choosing chaos, people choosing relationship, how people choosing those things? We can still love them through those choices. We don't have to participate with them, but we can love them, hold space for them and don't have to sit in judgments of them either.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that healers don't realize and maybe just like the Gen Pop as well that are in this community listening. They don't realize the impact they have on lifting their judgments off of another person.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, they really don't. I think we get this sort of pump in circumstance kind of. You know, I'm standing in my power, I'm speaking my truth. I'm doing all of that while projecting a heck of a lot of judgment out. Yeah, when that's exactly what we're trying to collapse this back and forth, they feel like, is, at least at this point in time, really really loud in the collective. Those who are still sitting in that duality are sitting in the hierarchy or sitting in the my way. I'm the guru, I'm the healer, follow me. Things are getting really challenging because that's not actually a collapsing of the duality. That's not actually how to do such a thing. That's by saying my universe, not yours.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no kidding. Wow, that's a ramble.

Speaker 1:

It is right and how I see it and I remember the first time that this word came through differently, because in the you know there's this whole like 3D, 5d, the you know, all that nonsense. But it's not a separation, it's emerging, it's a coming together, it's an actual containment of all of the things, in a sense that, rather than repelling those different than us, being able to find how we actually work together, to support our differences, to be beautifully different together and co-create in synergy instead of hierarchy.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because the synergy is actually way more powerful than standing alone on that pedestal.

Speaker 1:

Yep, yep it is. And installing your ideals of the world doesn't help anybody either, because the moment they start to look somewhere else and they go wait, now we've just repelled a whole another thing, and I know you have seen that play out in different ways. I certainly have as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And I think part of your physical body splitting in half is. You know you don't want to do it that way either. You know you don't want to impact the people the way you have seen other healers impact people. You know you don't want to cause harm like you've seen done.

Speaker 2:

Yeah or experience firsthand.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that is very true. So there's obviously some unwinding. I have to do with that. Like this is like that last piece, I feel. So I have to do like a self check, which is fair.

Speaker 1:

Well, and it's like you're actually holding both sides. You're like I'm going to be the victim on one side and the villain on the other side.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I don't like that. Off you, off you go.

Speaker 2:

You're holding literally both energies, because we never forget that we won't do that, but it literally is ripping you apart, literally pulling you apart and not letting you take movement, not letting you create, causing pain like I'm laughing because for anyone that's ever gone to chiropractor or seen me stand like my body is in torsion and it's humorous, but it's not like because of my body is literally exactly what you just said like you can physically look at my body and see how it's leaning over and forward. It's like contorted inward. It's just it's like. It's comical because it's been so long of me not looking at the obvious.

Speaker 1:

I mean, it's part of what we're here doing is to point out seemingly obvious. But that's the thing that's really challenging sometimes, when you're in it, to see outside of it. And that's the beauty of this synergy, because it's not that I know anything differently than you do. I'm just looking at it through a different lens and I'm able to hold a non-judgmental space and just say are you enjoying your experience over there? No, okay. Well, why are you doing it then? Yep, and that separation, pulling apart so that you don't hurt, so that you don't cause the same pain you directly experienced and watched others, so that your power doesn't get too big, because what's going to happen then?

Speaker 2:

That still feels a little scary to think about how much power I'm actually containing.

Speaker 1:

But what are you actually afraid of?

Speaker 2:

Why am I afraid of letting go of the things that are holding me back?

Speaker 1:

Why is it not safe? You've found safety in the chaos and the familiar.

Speaker 2:

There's a level of not trusting myself to get me what I need. I would love to take off to Alberta on a whim and see what plays out, but there are still things holding me back here. Currently my work contract. But that'll play out. There's either a January or a June timeline on that one.

Speaker 1:

Either way, both benefit, both benefit you. But if your safety has come with the caveat of chaos by moving back home, you've found safety, physical safety, but it came with financial safety which brings an amount of roof over your head, which is physical safety in a sense. But, it comes with chaos. It comes with the addition of mental and emotional chaos. That's what you've decided is safe.

Speaker 2:

I literally had this conversation with a friend before this podcast, recording the same thing words to her. It's so funny because she was chatting with me yesterday and I said I think that it's not that I don't resonate with what she's telling me, but that I feel like it was her higher self coming through. Now I need to go back and look through that chat and listen to my own higher self because hello, oh man, She'll have a good laugh about this too.

Speaker 1:

But the truth is we create the safety we know because it's all we've known as a child. This is important. As a child, especially a young child, we don't have a choice. The person who provides safety, our caregivers. We have to depend on them. It actually is safe to shut down and protect ourselves, to build, to do those things, to exist in that way as a child. That is safe. We have to. We have to take on the projections that we were taught, because that's the way that we're designed.

Speaker 1:

Usually in teenagerhood we push away and we reject and rebel and say no, we're going to create our own version of it. But then, if something happens and we don't learn how to do that, we never have a model for how we actually create safety with ourselves, because the people showing us never did that. We usually often come running back to those ideals because they felt safe at the time. We come back to the childhood installations of what safety looked like. Whether we physically come back or whether we reinstall them as the best way, the right way, even knowing that doesn't really make sense, we still subconsciously don't have another option. But in adulthood, that version of childhood safety is actually usually the most unsafe choice. So we sit at odds because in adulthood, safety comes from self. It comes from deep inside self. It doesn't come from caregivers anymore. It comes from who we are and our choices and our trust.

Speaker 2:

I feel like there's a generation of us out here in the world that has missed that initiation into trusting the self-safety.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don't know exactly why. I don't know if it's, I don't know that I can pinpoint. I'm sure some astrologer will have some specific collective wise. But I don't disagree with you at all. There's a huge amount of my mother's generation, for instance, they had the 60s and 70s to be free love, and I'm going to do my own thing and reject the parents who grew up in the depression. There was a huge separation and I'm going to create a new generation.

Speaker 1:

But at least I've seen and I'm an older millennial, but I'm still technically a millennial I've seen that there's this the lack of financial support, lack of there's no amount. Nobody has savings, nobody has the ability to actually stand in themselves. They live paycheck to paycheck well into their 30s and 40s. They end up moving back home a good amount of them at some point, because they can't survive in, they can't quite figure it out, and so they go back. And well, parents figured it out, maybe subconsciously. I'm the wrong one, I'm the one that can't do this for XYZ reasons, and it must be me. And we don't actually feel safe with self anymore and we don't trust our choices. We judge our choices, we look at our past choices and we mess that one up. That was a bad idea. I'm doing that again and we sit stuck and we pull ourselves apart and we at least manifest certain versions of what that looks like in our physical system.

Speaker 2:

The whole right side of my neck here has been on fire since we started talking about it. Well, definitely is trying to move, move it out.

Speaker 1:

And so if your power center that you've been protecting, what if that's actually where your safety is? Say more about that. What if your gut instinct, your knowing your inside self, the feelings, the stomach, the tummy, flops the this is good and this is bad or this feels exciting? Actually, this is the center of your being.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so I'm again laughing because that's how I process things. The irony of me also creating stomach problems in the last six months, because I've recognized that I've reached my tolerance level with the chaos in my life and that stomach problem became something that directly interferes with my intuition and my gut feeling, because I'm constantly in a stomach burning, pain, with acid reflux and all these. I jokingly said is this my initiation into my forties? Because I get all these like quote unquote old timer diseases, which is really not that they're not actually that old, but these were things that my parents experienced when they were in their forties. So there's maybe a little bit of me like repeating the loop there, but also just the comedy of it as well.

Speaker 2:

And yeah, I just recently made a decision to change a relationship that was constantly causing me problems and as soon as I sent that text message of some boundaries, the acid reflux has not bothered me since. My stomach issues have calmed down and I'm getting back to that trusting of my inner knowing. So I was on my way to the chiropractor yesterday and I was like, hey, I can breathe and there's no chest heaviness. What's happening? Oh right, you did this yesterday.

Speaker 1:

Yes, so yes, so that your gut is, though is your guidance system.

Speaker 2:

No kidding.

Speaker 1:

Right. The messages from the spirit, the messages from your emotional responses, all sit inside your system.

Speaker 2:

I'm getting a collective ping as well of how many others are experiencing digestive issues and how like. What is the benefit of the collective being and having their digestion interfered with?

Speaker 1:

Well then you don't have to take accountability for your choices Because it's not your fault if you can't follow your guidance system, when in fact we are. Somehow we're still participating in a choice. We're still right participating in whether or not we consume certain things that don't actually agree with us, whether we participate in a way that we know our body doesn't like, whether we don't follow intuitive movements or whatever the things are. Exposing ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to things that our system does not agree with is going to cause a reaction somewhere. So, by you setting boundaries, you said I am not having, I'm not doing dealing with your emotions, your stuff. Your body said oh good, because we were really not enjoying processing that one.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's actually what I was doing. I've probably was filtering for this person when they need to actually take a look at themselves.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and how much of the rest of your body pulling apart, is you literally still taking on the half of your one, half of your rest of your family and the other half of what you're trying to do and bringing it in because you don't quite know how to how to move. Yeah, that was a good, that's a good face.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I hate that one yeah, don't like that. That is. That is very true, though, because, yeah, I've often like, yeah, I've held on to a hell of a lot of guilt about like I've known since my, my teens that I needed to break free from this family dynamic. I've known it and I've. I was really just been reflecting in the last little while of like like they don't know better because this was normalized for them and they don't recognize the level of abuse it actually is, and I do have a lot of compassion for that because they don't know better. But also, why should I carry that Were you? No, I don't think that was the point of my soul coming into this family at all.

Speaker 1:

It's not. It's not to carry them, it's to love them in spite of, and focus on what is true for you.

Speaker 2:

And it feels very unloving to abandon them. So I have to rephrase that that's a hard word.

Speaker 1:

That's a hard word because you're not abandoning them. You're actually abandoning self.

Speaker 2:

That's right. But it's been easier to abandon self, to quote, unquote keep the peace. But then I'm causing a war within myself.

Speaker 1:

Because you're, you don't want to hold the shame of hurting somebody else. That's right Back to the shameful circle here. It's too shameful to cause harm to somebody else than to in, but it's okay, normalized, to cause harm to self.

Speaker 2:

That's huge.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and the more of us who can see it and to start to flip it, the more things can start to shift, because it's not about saying you're wrong. It's just about saying I have to take care of me, I have to model something different and you're a teacher. You're not a parent, but you're a teacher, and so you're in a beautiful position to model for children.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Who may not have that model in their own households?

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

And so your invitation doesn't necessarily have to be with your family. They may not want to do that right now. You can still love them and say I'm going to go, do my thing, but wherever you decide to stand in self and to be an example and to shift it so that you can model what other options there actually are If we didn't abandon self in somewhat of a support of other people. That's the belief we're wrapping around, because we don't want to feel shame, and that shame is actually the most beautiful gift we have been given, because it's showing us exactly who we are and what we're capable of. It's showing us our superpowers, your ability to put that in your body and to process it and move it and take it apart. That's a freaking superpower. There are a lot of people out there doing that in various fashions and have no idea why they're in pain.

Speaker 2:

It's very true.

Speaker 1:

Right. They're going to the doctors and they're doing all these tests, I'm sure, even as you did, just to make sure you're not broken. Nobody has answers. Nobody has answers to why they're so stuck and why the mental health crisis is what it is and why people are over-medicating and all of these things going on. Nobody has those answers, but you do. You know exactly why, because you have the lived experience.

Speaker 2:

I think I needed that reminder of how hugely impactful emotions really are, because I have been bypassing them since probably the middle of 2020. Just like the rest of the world.

Speaker 1:

We don't want to feel that shit. Yeah yeah, they're not my favorite either. To be honest, they're uncomfortable.

Speaker 2:

I think if I had a space that was just my own where I could release them without judgment. But it's never like man. There's a generation out there that has been raised to hide their emotions because they were shamed for this kids I remember being man, being threatened of well, I'm going to save those tears for the Easter Bunny. Like what? Like why? Why do we do these two children? Because kid is upset. Sometimes you've created the reason why the kid is upset and you're going to now shame them for being upset.

Speaker 2:

I also got myself into a romantic relationship like that as well, and a deal breaker for me was when he told me to stop crying. I looked at him dead in the eye and said you need to leave. But I used other words. But that was just like. This is a boundary for me. There are very little spaces in my timeline of life up until today where I've had a safe space to express my emotion. My biggest space for allowing that is in the forest on my hikes, until you went into a lovely stranger and you got ugly cry face. But that's okay. Usually they're more forgiving, you know Right.

Speaker 1:

If everybody goes in the forest for their reasons and honestly going out and screaming and crying in the forest is a beautiful release. When I'm angry and I don't know what to do with it. That's, I have actually gone out and screamed to the point where I started crying and actually allowed that release.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes that's the expression that needs. That's true Especially once we're no longer children and we can't throw a tantrum and then move on in five minutes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's a gift. They don't even know they have.

Speaker 1:

They don't know they have, and at least as a parent, that's not one I'm willing to take away from my children either. We can't hit other people when we're upset, but we can absolutely go have our screaming fit and process and move through.

Speaker 2:

That's how I teach. Actually the same thing, same principle, yeah, and it's going to be beautiful to see what happens in the next 15 years as these children become into adulthood and how they manage things in the world, because they are the shift that we need and it's so close, and it's so close to see as adults and also shift that within ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I feel like this, this generation we've been talking about that's struggling to process the emotions, that children right now are the most beautiful teachers for those emotional processes.

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

And whether you're a parent or a teacher or have nieces and nephews out there watch the kids and watch how they allow the emotion to fully take up their space and then move right on through. Two minutes later, where's my snack? I'm over it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and they're not dwelling on it for 25 years like I've had to on some things.

Speaker 1:

They don't even worried about the thing that they said that might have been embarrassing 10 minutes ago. They're over it. They're not repeating it in their head, beating themselves up for the things that haven't. It's a level of presence that I can only dream to be for.

Speaker 2:

I think we can achieve brief moments of it.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes.

Speaker 2:

And I certainly, as adults it does and we have.

Speaker 1:

We have perspective in a different way than they do. We know how important what we're building is and we have all of those things we're trying to put together, but our beliefs about who we are and how we can process those things. Today is what's going to start to shift those things, because our now moment is what changes the past and the future. Who you are in this moment allows the rest of the unraveling and the change in direction and the opportunities. The more we model the presence and the now, the more that starts to move right. And so, as we process the shame and we look at it. That's why we still have to decide who we are and what we believe about ourselves when we're doing so. Because if we know that we, that our intention is not to harm, we know we're here to do it, we know that we're standing in the best version of transparent, vulnerable truth that we have, then we can feel proud of how we show up in our shame.

Speaker 2:

Almost like you need to be a friend. It is, if it's another, like inner child. It's a piece of your inner child almost.

Speaker 1:

It is. It is it's the inner child that wanted to belong, to feel safe, to feel loved.

Speaker 2:

And that aspect for sure is what needs the guidance right, Because that's what they were looking for at that young age 100%.

Speaker 1:

And it's still what we look for as adults. We still want to belong, we still want people to understand us, we still want to feel seen in ourselves, even if we also don't want you to see that we still want. We still want it.

Speaker 2:

Wow, this conversation has definitely left a lot for me to like percolate on, but in all good ways. I'm sure it'll seep through all weekend, which is good. I have the time and the space to process it.

Speaker 1:

Perfect. How does your body, how is it sitting in your system, If you sit up? How does your body feel as this starts to move?

Speaker 2:

There's still tightness. However, I think that's really just speaking to needing some care. It's heated up though All the areas that we were talking about. They're heated up and I typically don't feel heat in the body. That's very telling that there is things that are shifting and trying to. It's moving. It'll be crunchy for the next couple of days, but that's okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, and heat just implies to me that the energy is starting to move again, because the vibration of the energy creates heat.

Speaker 2:

That's a good way to put it, especially right in the next space on the side Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:

And what I want you to think about over the next couple of days is bridging those pieces. Take back together, bridging those polarities within self. The places where you're, the victim and the victor, the place where you're causing harm and the place where you've been the one who's been harmed, and bridging those together within self and to find a new version of safety that's not handed to you by anybody else Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

That's like the ultimate initiation into adulthood. Hey, so do I. Do that mean I have to be an adult now?

Speaker 1:

I mean, I'm a paper, you know, you just said you're almost 40. So it's like no, I'm over 40.

Speaker 2:

I'm over 40. But I am on paper. I am on paper adult.

Speaker 1:

You are on paper. So you know, I think that's not. It's not about being not childlike, it's just about owning your own inner compass and listening to your guidance system, because you haven't been enjoying following everybody else's. That is very true.

Speaker 2:

There's a nice is where you're going to put that.

Speaker 1:

Hey Well, I really appreciate you sharing your journey. I really appreciate you sharing with vulnerability what you've been going through and feeling stuck in yourself and being willing to look at it, because to me, this is where the change happens, when we're willing to say, ok, I'm kind of fed up with my shit. I know, I know I'm doing this, but I'm fed up and I'm done and I know I've created this reality. I know I need support, but I don't quite know what that looks like yet. And to me, this that's the beginning of the possibility. That's the beginning to be willing to change directions and look at something differently, and it's just start to be a different version of an example for everybody in your life as well.

Speaker 2:

I think I needed that reminder as well, because I did have a moment, just before I did move home, like of where I was going through all of that, being sick of my own shit, and then I got so buried in everybody else's that it's nice to be like OK, now it's time for me to look at my own again, because I have the space to do so and I don't have to pile it onto somebody else Exactly, and I can just clean it up.

Speaker 1:

Exactly, and it can be done as fast or as slow as feels the most supportive for you. There's no right or wrong way.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for this conversation, Amanda. It's truly grateful for this one.

Speaker 1:

You're so, so welcome. I really appreciate you being willing to share all of this and, for those of us those out there listening, if you want to jump in and dive deeper to these conversations, the doors to the Milky Way community are open. The link will be in the show notes. So, love everyone.

Challenges, Shame, and Healing
Exploring Healing and Self-Judgment
Self-Safety and Trust Exploration
Breaking Free From Generational Cycles
Embracing Change and Personal Growth