The Amanda Quick Show

Unraveling the Broken Narrative: Discovering Our Inner Strength

August 19, 2023 Amanda Quick Season 1 Episode 4
The Amanda Quick Show
Unraveling the Broken Narrative: Discovering Our Inner Strength
The Amanda Quick Show
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Ever wondered why you feel broken? This thought often underlines our quest for healing, diagnoses, and mental health support. However, it's time we changed that narrative. You see, we're not broken at all. We are the result of our experiences and our bodies, minds, and emotional states have been working tirelessly to keep us safe. Let's take a journey of self-discovery and embrace the truth: we are strong, unbroken individuals.

Reflecting on my own life, I share the tough choices I made as a teenager and why I chose to stay in an abusive relationship. It was a survival instinct, driven by my subconscious belief that it was the safer option. Now, I'm here to tell you that it's alright. We've all made difficult decisions in the past based on our programming and trauma experiences. The important thing is, we're survivors. We've come through the other side stronger and more empowered. Let's dive deep into trusting ourselves, taking radical accountability, and knowing that we have the capability to heal and thrive. Come, let's journey together in this episode of the Amanda Quick Show.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Amanda Quick Show. I'm your host, amanda Quick, and this episode I'm going to be talking about something that's been close to my heart. I have had this reoccurring conversation in my head for quite some time and I'm going to share it with you all because I think that it's important to think about why we have the experiences. We have, absolutely, and I think that those of us who go down the healing journey and work on releasing the emotions and work on understanding our patterns that's all powerful, wonderful work. But underneath all of that, underneath all of that, there's this belief that runs through the healing and the spiritual communities, the mental health communities, the even modern medical communities. There's this belief that runs truly through most of humanity. That's this idea that we are broken, that there's a part of us that doesn't work right. And when we're seeking diagnoses, when we're seeking mental health support, when we're seeking healing, we're seeking it from a place of believing that there's something wrong with us. And I want to tell every single one of you out there right now, first and foremost, you are not broken. You are not broken. Your body, your mind, your emotional state, all of these parts of you have been doing everything they know, everything they've learned in order to keep you safe, and sometimes those things have created a manifestation of illness, and sometimes those things have created trauma, responses and triggers and emotional overwhelm. Yes, but ultimately, all of these creations have been your body, your mind and your emotional being, trying to keep you safe from the experiences that you've been living. And that doesn't make you broken, it doesn't make you wrong, it doesn't make you too much, it doesn't make you not enough, it makes you a perfect version of who you are today. In this moment in time, you are not broken. Your body and your mind and your emotional state all of that has been working for you.

Speaker 1:

And when we get to the point where we don't like it anymore or we don't want those experiences, thinking to change them is a very wonderful, empowering thing and understanding that we are not responsible for the things that have happened to us, for the situations that others have put us in. We are not responsible for that. We are not responsible for other people and their choices and their state of beings in their physical and mental and emotional states. We are not responsible for others and we are only only in control of our current choices today. We can't change the past, we can't ultimately change what has already happened, but we can make a different choice today. But in order to make a different choice today, in order to really see through everything that we've been through, in order to see through why these things happened, we have to actually believe that we're not a broken person, we have to believe that we are worth saving, we have to believe that it's safe to be ourselves, and this concept of safety is something that I've spoken about in other arenas multiple times, and I'm sure we'll do a whole episode or three about this coming forward. But this concept of safety, safety has to come first safety in our bodies, safety in our minds, safety in our emotions, safety in our spiritual being and safety in our physical reality. All of that has to come first. Our brains are literally wired to keep us alive. The very first reptilian brain that's created when we are in our mother's womb is about survival period. That's the only thing that its job is to do, and so if we are in a state of fight or flight, if we are in a state of basically running from the predator, fighting from the predator, all we know to do is to operate with survival mechanisms and a lot of times those survival mechanisms are ingrained patterns and beliefs and things that we were taught that were the best ways to keep us safe.

Speaker 1:

People who stay in abusive relationships like myself. I believed I was safer in the relationship. I believed I was safer to have somebody to help me support my children. I believed I was safer because I didn't believe I could make enough money for myself. I didn't believe I could make enough money to support us. I believed I was safer because I couldn't imagine my children growing up without a father like I did. I believed I was safer because I wasn't alone and that was perhaps the most terrifying thing of all and so because I believed I was safer with an abuser, then without, I chose to stay unconsciously In my subconscious. Those beliefs were there and I didn't actively say oh yeah, let's check these boxes, this is definitely the thing to do. No, it didn't even occur to me. I didn't have the thought that I should leave or that I could leave. It wasn't even a pattern that hit my mind at all.

Speaker 1:

I remember a time shortly after my ex was arrested and we were on the phone having a conversation and he told me that his mother was afraid for him. His mom was afraid that I was gonna take all of the money in the bank accounts and run. And that was the first time that I even realized that other people would think that that was a choice, because it wasn't a choice as far as I could see. I was. Huh. Why would I do that? That doesn't even make sense In my mind.

Speaker 1:

What most people, when they hear my story, their reaction is you should have left as ass in jail was not a conscious choice as something that I could even choose to do. It was so subconsciously driven by my deep fears of raising my children alone, being financially responsible for my children alone and not having any support, not feeling like I even knew what support looked like that it didn't even occur to me. And I think that so many people operate from that subconscious programming without any awareness. That's the whole point of it being subconscious. And so when we look back and we make ourselves wrong for the fact that we had that programming and we didn't know what we didn't know, we then make this decision. We make a decision that, while clearly I'm broken if I didn't see what was right in front of me and we deepen our mistrust of self, we deepen the mistrust of what we know to be true. Now, today, with the information, because back then, clearly we were wrong. But we're missing the point a little bit, because it's not that we were wrong, it's that we didn't know what we didn't know and that our survival mechanism as a human is designed to keep us safe and alive.

Speaker 1:

There were situations that I put myself in when I was a teenager. I was a very rebellious teenager. I snuck out of my house to go meet boys mostly, and I enjoyed the attention. I was 14, 15, and I got a lot of attention. So I went about what I wanted to do and I remember having the thought that when I was out with these boys and if they wanted me to do things of a sexual nature that I didn't really want to do, the thought crossed my mind that it was safer to consent than to be left on the side of the road. And I ran with that belief and I made it home safely.

Speaker 1:

I decided in the moment that safety and survival mattered more than defending my whatever, and I operated in that manner for many years because I didn't understand that I actually could choose to put my body first, my needs first, my emotions first. I wasn't wired to see that yet, and there are many instances in my life where I chose safety, even in a not doesn't really make sense when you look at it sort of way, because I could see that that was the way to make it out alive and okay and that's all that mattered in that moment, not what happened before that. But then I got home, okay, and then I made it out alive and I made it out of a lot of situations alive and well because of that and our brains are wired for us to do this in so many types of situations getting out safely and surviving and then we can deal with the rest of it. That's really what I said to myself as we were going through the criminal trial with my ex-husband we'll get through this and then we'll deal with the rest of it. I can't look at it right now. I can't deal with it right now. I'm just surviving. And so if we're just surviving, we can't fault ourselves for what that looks like. We can't judge ourselves for choosing to live. That's obviously the first goal.

Speaker 1:

And then, when we look back and we believe this whole thing about because we survived and all the choices we made in survival mode. We beat ourselves up and the idea that we are broken and that something is wrong with us is us beating ourselves up for surviving that we survived horrific things in our lives. We survived childhood traumas. We survived teenage traumas. We survived sexual, physical, mental abuse. We survived. And if we beat ourselves up for the ways that we chose to survive, well then we're going to stay stuck ultimately, because if we can't see that there's power in surviving and being able to tell the story, we're going to have to fight for it. Then, in my opinion at least, we've kind of missed the point. We go through these experiences for a reason. We go through these horrific, horrible situations to come out the other side, to survive and then to turn these stories into something of power, into something worth sharing, into something worth inspiring others who were still a little bit stuck. But in order to do that, we have to stop judging the experience for what it is and what it's created. Now we have to start looking at the gift that was given to us.

Speaker 1:

I can honestly say today that I am grateful for my ex-husband and the choices that he made to get me where I am today. It was hell to live through, believe me, and I would not wish it on anybody. But I would not be who I am today without it. I would never, ever know what it was like to stay with an abuser, to live through gaslighting and emotional manipulation. I would never know what it's like to see your child in so much danger and not be able to do anything about it, or at least in that very moment I would never know. But today I do know. My body knows my mind knows my emotions, know. Every part of me knows what that's like.

Speaker 1:

And I survived. I survived and I chose to use that experience to help other people in any way I possibly can. I chose to go far and wide, and I'm not even close to as far and wide as I desire to be. But I will continue and I won't stop, because I also know how important it is for other people out there to know that they are not alone. They are not alone in surviving the horrible things, and the sooner they stop beating themselves up about it, the faster they can actually start to heal from it. If we judge ourselves for surviving well, then we're basically telling ourselves we aren't worth saving. We're not worth saving and we're not worth living anymore. I know for some people, that is their experience and that is how they feel. And a lot of people are living for their children, for their friends and family, but they're not really living, they're just existing because they're afraid to allow themselves to live, because living means they survived, means they accomplished the impossible, and they would actually need to look back and celebrate how far they've come.

Speaker 1:

We have to stop judging every time we look back and judging the choices that we made while surviving, because, while we are 100% not responsible for the things that have happened to us, the choices that others made, the person we are responsible for is ourselves. We are the only ones capable of choosing something new, something else, something different. We can't see it until we can, but once we see it, we definitely can't unsee it, and there is always a moment. There is a moment that every single one of us becomes faced with a choice. We are faced with the choice and the knowing that we can either choose for ourselves. We can choose to create the life that we want. We can choose to step into empowerment. We can choose to take back our power, take back our self-accountability, take back who we know we are here to become, or we can choose the life that is chosen for us and we can surrender to the system, to the abusers. We can surrender to what everybody else thinks we should do and who we should be, and for a lot of us we'll be faced with this choice more than once.

Speaker 1:

But if you're coming out of a really horrible situation, that choice moment is so important, the clarity and the knowing that comes in that moment. However it arrives and unfortunately for many of us it doesn't arrive until we are backed into a corner. But we are backed into a corner because we are being asked are you gonna stay and fight or are you gonna just give up? And truly, there's no wrongness in either choice. We all get to choose our experiences, but those of us that look deep within ourselves and say, no fuck that I've got more living to do, we have the choice to take back our power. We have the choice to change our experience and our beliefs about those experiences. We have the choice to recognize that what we did to survive well, we fucking accomplished it. We did it, we survived, we succeeded. That should be celebrated. And the choice that we have now is what do we do with the rest of our lives? Now that we've survived, what are we here to do next and how do we want to help others also come out of survival and remember that this is a time of celebration and a time of creation and a time of possibility and opportunity. This is not a time to sit and wallow. This is a time to look back and reflect on the beautiful lessons you've represented, on the amazing opportunities to learn about yourself, to learn about the things that got you where you were.

Speaker 1:

I got to reflect on all of the choices I made throughout my early years, into my teenage years that got me to the point where I chose the man I did to father my children. I had to look at that choice, because that is something I chose. I also had to look at the choice of bailing him out. I had to look at the choice of staying with him even after he admitted to sleeping with adult prostitutes. I had to look at why I would make that choice, because not a lot of people would agree with that choice.

Speaker 1:

But in that moment, with the programming I had and the trauma that I had, it felt like the safest choice and I will never fault somebody for making the safest choice for them, because I haven't lived in everybody's shoes, I've only lived in my own, and what we choose to do to survive is only only accountable to self. And surviving these impossible situations and then coming out the other side to tell the tale, that's a feat of itself. And I had to face every single one of those decision moments, every single one of those times that I took a look around me and I said, no, I'm going to keep doing this, even if it doesn't make sense to other people. Every single time, I chose to stay. I chose to not see what was in front of me. I chose to believe the abuser. I chose to continue to put my kids in unsafe situations.

Speaker 1:

I chose all of that, and I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I don't look back and go. I should have left his ass in jail. Well, yes, I should have, but I can't do anything about that now. I don't beat myself up about it because I had a high, taken the money and run like his mother feared I would.

Speaker 1:

We wouldn't be talking here today. I probably would never tell a single person about what happened. I would just be another person, another single mom, with no story to tell, but instead I'm standing, I'm sitting here today talking to you on this microphone, sharing this, this message that has been coming through so loudly for me. It has been repeating in my head over and over. People need to know that you are not broken. You are not broken and you are not responsible for the things that happen to you, the things that happen to you as a child, the things that happen to you as an adult you are not responsible for. The only thing that you were responsible for is your choices your choices to survive and your choices to come out of that, and what you choose to do with your story, with your experiences and with the lessons that you've learned from them. That is the choice and to me, that's the most empowering choice. To give to somebody who's been through hell is the opportunity to share their story, to reframe it in a way that makes it sound like, while they accomplish the impossible, they are amazing.

Speaker 1:

I can't tell you how many people praise me and I can't. I don't honestly want to hear it. I don't want to hear the praise. I don't want to hear how amazing it is that I came through and what a good mom I am. I fucking know what I did. I was there. I know what I did and I was there for the choice that I made when I stepped into that shift place and I knew that taking back my power would mean I could not fail. Yes, I had moments where I freaked out absolutely and did I think that the legal system was really messed up Absolutely. But I got to the point where I was so damn sure of myself and I knew how powerful I was that nobody would stop me. And those of us that come through hell have that. We know what we did, we know what we're capable of, we know what we could do next and what we want to do next. And most of us don't stop. And I want everybody out there, no matter where you are in your journey, to know you can do that too. I'm not different or more special than you are. I'm a very mental in my head person. I don't have issues taking action because I've done the work to do those things.

Speaker 1:

But for a long time my emotions were very disconnected. I didn't know one feeling from another. I had zero emotional reaction when my husband admitted to sleeping with prostitutes. I lived in a state of shock for years, years, I was diagnosed with PTSD and the only thing that would happen was I would panic and have and I couldn't hardly breathe, but I had no emotion. I just needed it to stop. That's all that I needed. There was no emotion. There was no. There was nothing but fear and the need to survive. And when I saw the need to survive shift from staying to leaving and then the need to survive was not just leaving, but it was fighting back and when that shift happened, everything in me took over, because my need to survive was so loud.

Speaker 1:

And then my need to survive to not just for myself but for my children, because a lot of us, at least as moms, we don't know how to fight for ourselves very well, but when it comes to our kids, well, nobody fucks with my kids and nobody fucks with my kids, and that's never going to change. I'm never going to be able to just release that and be okay with it, because I'm not wired that way. Our need to survive includes our children, includes our bodies, it includes our emotions, it includes our mental state, and everything we do is about survival. It's about creating safety in ourselves. It's about recognizing that this whole experience is a bunch of lessons, of learning, of growth, of expansion.

Speaker 1:

Even the hard stuff and the darkest things that happen can be the most empowering, the most shameful, guilt-ridden experiences. When we bring those to light and when we talk about them and we share them with the world, we are our most empowered selves, because nobody can hurt us. Nobody can say something to me that I haven't thought about myself. Nobody can throw something at me and say, oh my god, you're a horrible mother, you did this. I've had those thoughts. Bring it. Nobody can hurt me because I know exactly who I am and I have no more shame about the experiences Because I've taken the time to reframe it. I've looked at them, I've done the work and I now see that my survival is what got me out of that. And so, yeah, it took longer than it maybe should have or whatever, and there might have been an easier route, yes, but not if I was to be who I am now.

Speaker 1:

And so every single person out there who is working through their trauma, who is working through body illness, who is working through emotional dysregulation, who is working through any kind of mental health issues, you are not broken. Everything you've manifested is about survival, is about survival, because there is some part of you that was not safe in that experience, and so your everything else took over to help you survive and to get you to what it believes was safety, whatever version of safety you created in your mind, in your body, in your emotions. That's what we work towards, and sometimes safety just exists in the known instead of the unknown. Sometimes it's as simple as that, but sometimes safety exists in something a little more complicated. That means that you stay even harder in situations, and it's not about being afraid to be in the unknown, but it's about afraid what's going to happen next.

Speaker 1:

Safety and survival is what the human is wired to do, and it is about damn time that we stop judging ourselves, throwing shame at ourselves and feeling guilty for the fact that we succeeded. You are not broken. Everything you did is to survive, to find safety and to find your way to a point where you can look back now and make new choices. Because today, this, now, here, moment, when you're listening to me here, this is the moment where you have a choice. You have the choice with what you're going to do with all of these experiences. You have the choice of how you frame them, how you look at them, how you think about them, how you feel about them, all of it, and from here in this moment on, you get to choose what you do with it, how you put it into action, how you share it or not, how you change your perspective to the experiences you had or currently actively experiencing.

Speaker 1:

If you're currently experiencing illness in the body, what part of your body doesn't feel safe to be healthy? What is being healthy mean? What is this experience teaching you? Is there some particular part of your body that doesn't want to experience health, and why, and what is the function of that body part and why is it struggling? We have to take radical accountability and be radically honest with ourselves. We have to be radically honest with why these experiences were created and then make the conscious choice to change them.

Speaker 1:

If you're experiencing emotional dysregulation, what about your emotions aren't safe? What about which types of emotions don't feel safe, and who and when did you decide that that wasn't safe? And take a good hard look at ourselves there. If our mental system is dysregulated, when did we decide that we weren't? We weren't capable of thought? Did somebody tell us we were dumb? Did we feel like other people were smarter or other people knew more things, or we've been still programmed to believe that the teachers and the systems and everybody around us is knows more than we do. When did we decide not to trust ourselves, our bodies, our minds and our emotions? Because the moment that we decided that we weren't good enough, smart enough, capable enough that we didn't know, that's when we gave our power away and that's when we decided that somebody else was better capable of keeping us alive than we were, and obviously as a child that may be true.

Speaker 1:

Children do need to be taken care of in a sense. We can't feed ourselves, we can't clothe ourselves, we have to live under other people's roofs, and a lot of these programs get installed into us as children as a need to survive. I can't speak too loudly or I get beaten. So survival says I shut up, I can't say certain things, I can't feel certain ways, I can't do certain things or I will be hurt, I will be shamed, I will be excluded. That's a need to survive.

Speaker 1:

All of that survival installation is still in most of us and so we go through life not speaking our minds, not sharing our truth, giving our power away and creating these situations to back ourselves up into a corner. It's time for us to unravel that and to look back at who told us that we were wrong and honor the fact that that was survival. But today, survival means we take back our power and we start trusting ourselves. We start honoring our bodies, our minds, our emotions, all of our guidance system. We start honoring that first. We start recognizing what we need first and we turn the need to survive into the need to trust ourselves, because that becomes survival.

Speaker 1:

Now, in this adult form, the need to survive means you must trust yourself. The world is changing Quickly, ever, ever so much we have to trust ourselves. We have to trust our guidance systems. We have to know that we are going to be okay because we got us, you got you, I got me and we together will survive because we won't have it any other way. As children, we survived the impossible. As adults, many of us also survived the impossible. And yet here we are today living to talk about it and so reframing that, looking at ourselves as these amazing superhumans that got through hell and we got some scratches and some things we got to clear off and some things to work through. But the moment we take radical accountability for self and choice to do different. We've already begun to change. You are not broken. The system and structures are, but you are not broken and it's time that you take the stance and make the choice to heal, to be everything that you came here to be and to thrive. Thank you so much. Lots of love everyone.

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